latest and greatest

So I am 14 weeks, 4 days- woohoo :) I am somewhat over the tiredness but I am working on other stuff! Since I have decided to move home to Atlanta everything just seems sweeter/easier/less complicated. Although I think its gonna be hard for me once I'm in their house, I know thats its really for the best. I am not gonna look forward to not being able to wear alot of my clothes and driving less, but it will be nice not having to compete in the daily grind of life for a while. I am gonna take a prenatal class and pregnancy yoga. Meet new ppl, etc... Try new things. I hope to go to Graceland when I am home but we will see how much I will want to travel but lots of options are open :)

So I will start feeling the baby move in about 2-3 weeks, thats gonna be a total weirdooo experience. B/c once the bebe starts moving around and I can feel its gonna be like someone kicking inside my stomach for 5 months! But I think it will be totally cool in the beginning :) I might be one of those preggers womyn where when the bebe stretches you can see the footprint of bebe- eek!!

So I am looking forward to that around week 17, then I have a genetic blood test at week 18, then I have my 20 week ultrasound in which I willl find out abt gender of bebe (if bebe is cooperative!).. So for the next 2ish weeks I get to chill and just enjoy!!

Hope everyone is well!

2nd tri

So I am in my 2nd trimester as of yesterday. I am officially 13 weeks, 5 days as of today. Goodbye 1st trimester, goodbye. What did you bring me? Well two weeks worth of waiting, multiple home pregnancy tests, 3 blood beta tests, ultrasounds, semi high blood pressure, multiple doctors visits, a brief trip to the ER, decisions, decisions, decisions and oh yes, a bebe :)

The bebe is somewhere right now btwn 2-3 inches, weighing in at abt an ounce. It took the OB abt 10 seconds yesterday to hear the bebe's heartbeat, which is always a comforting thing to hear. I hope to later on in the pregnancy to rent a stethscope to hear the bebe's heartbeat myself. I am thinking that maybe I might be more leaning to a midwife than an OB... I don't like the medical/clinical aspect of pregnancy. I really want the warm and fuzzy of it all.

What will this trimester bring? Well hopefully alot more growth, I know it has already brought me more emotions (2 crying sessions since Sat nite), more decisions, and hopefully towards the end a chance to relax.

I had been planning this uber mega trip in Dec/January, but I think for my sanity, I need to cut it down by half. So I am thinking the Caribbean and LA... That should still be fun.. I really want to get out to LA again, I haven't been in a while...

So thats it for bebeness right now. I didn't like my OB yesterday, so hopefully for my next appt I will get someone nicer...

12 weeks, 4 days

Well I just did a whole post then my computer shut off, so I am gonna do this rather quickly just in case that happens again. I had blood pressure for about 2 weeks which resulted in me going to the ER the day before Thanksgiving with very high numbers, since then I have 90% eliminated salt from my diet, took on a gigantic reduced workload, had my mother here to take care of me (awww) and I am back to normal now.

I had my 12 week, 4 day sonogram today and all was fab. Saw the bebe's head and stomach and toes and arms. And the baby was bouncy around- sooo cute. The nurse was kinda cold, but I think I am emotionally working around that.

I am most likely going to move back to Atlanta around mid- February until bebe is born then a couple months beyond that. Around the time I move back I will be at the end of my 2nd trimester, beginning of 3rd when I will need the most help physically, etc. I think it makes sense- why should I suffer and deny help especially when I need it most.

It's really interesting b/c I am now having to change my mindset about life. It's really no longer just me. Every decision I make now reflects on my baby. What I ate- how I rest- my living decisions- etc. For the next 18-20 years this is gonna be my new mindset, but I am only slowly/starting to learn that. Its an interesting path- this motherhood one. But G-d willing all will be well!! And I'm preggers!!! I soo can't wait to be out of this trimester then I can really start telling ppl : ) :) :) :)

Home

So I am pretty confident that I am going to move to Atlanta to be with the family whilest my child grows up.. The question is when? If I get into graduate school, then my guess is that it will be post-grad school, if I don't it might be sooner. Also alot will depend upon the status of the drought in the Southeast. Part of me wishes I had been closer to family and relatives growing up but wasn't able to b/c we moved SOOO much. There is strong incentive to live closer to my parents so my dad can take my child to services on Shabbat morning. I think that would be like the best memory of them all! I think I am okay living there- I pretty much know the area and cost of living issss soooo sooo sooo much better there. I could get a 2bdrm/2bath in a nice apartment complex for a $1000.. Which is just amazing.

Also said child will also be an only child for a bit, till mama is ready for #2, and #3 respectively so its important to have family around :) Of course, having said this I have no intention of telling my parents this b/c I am an evil evil child and I want this to be solely from me. Also what types of jobs that aren't as boring as crap would I find there? I mean everything here is politics, but I guess we can cross that path when we come to it :)

12 week sonogram in 2 weeks, 5 days! I'm excited :) (today I'm 9 weeks, 6 days)

OB appt

Well, I had my first OB appt yesterday... I was hoping to have an ultrasound but since I had had several they didn't think it was necessary now but she said I could have 1 in 2 weeks. So I called this seperate lab where I will be doing the ultrasounds/sonograms and they have a minimum of a 3 week wait b/c of backup... Which sucks-a-roni, but I guess I have no choice.. So onto the OB appt- I went in, we discussed my medical background (which is pretty small), then just overall stuff about what I knew/didn't know, she tried to sell me on some additional screening tests. I am going to think about it. Then she did a wonderful body exam (if you are female you know what I am talking about), then I had copious amts of blood drawn.

I had originally persuaded her to accept my original bloodwork for the SAME EXACT things, but apparently once you are preggers they have to take ALL the tests again for the SAME EXACT things. That didn't make me happy and I feel like I kinda showed it to her. So overall I was there for abt an hr and 15 mins. I really wanted an ultrasound- thats pretty much why I went. But I was spoiled by my posh fertility center w/their multiple ultra sounds. I am considering paying out of pocket for another ultrasound sooner than 3 weeks, but that might take some fancy footwork seeing as I am out of town next week...

I am gonna be doing a bit of traveling coming up and I just have to prepare my body for it. I mean Atlanta for Thanksgiving, then my mega trip in December (Caribbean, LA, Hawaii, Las Vegas). Soo we shall see. I just have to take it nice and easy. The good thing though is b/c of my age I don't have to have alot of additional screenings/tests, etc.. But still I was slightly miffed that I didn't get an ultrasound!

Okie, thats it for now... I'm 9 weeks, 4 days :)

Family

I've been doing alot of observing (well I normally always do), but now its w/more of a focus.. And its get me thinking about families. The concept of them, the purpose of them, why we choose them, etc...When one is free and independent, w/out children or a significant other, there life is their own. They choose whatever and whomever they interact with. They most likely save more money, have more worldly adventures and just exist in this happy "me" bubble and along the way there is an animal or two or three.

But then some people decide to become involved in this messy, confusing, life-altering thing called "Family" its kinda one of those dealios in which you are stuck w/someone who good, bad, or whatever till death do you part. Its interesting at least to me. I mean I come from a stable, intact family but really never had such a longing for a family of my own. I mean it's not something I daydream abt or spend desperate nights searching for a significant others... but in the end, I decided having children was important to me. I guess its a way to open your world in just a new way? A sense of immortality that neither business nor tangible items could ever provide.

But I still have to say that I think everyone's form of whatever family they choose (people or friends) is just as valuable.. I don't know...

On another note, I have started making my baby registry :)

time

So whats been happening.. Hmm, not much, working alot per the norm. I am working at this communications firm in Georgetown and I have a killer view from our office.. I get to see the waterfront and the Washington monument in the distance. It's pretty cool. In terms of preggerness stuff, I have my first OB appt on Monday, Nov 12th (Veteran's Day) and they are gonna check everything out and see whats going on. Hopefully all is on track (g-d willing). I haven't decided what I want my theme of my pregnancy to be-- "posh"? "nuturing"? "relaxing"? based upon what I decide is kinda how I can frame my mind abt buying/doing things.

I am just starting to do that online search for cute baby stuff. There is an awesome website for baby clothes, etc that angela jolie gets her kids clothes from its called "babesta" or something like that. its all retro/modern/funky onesies and clothes. I figured buy bebe some fashionable outfits for going out then some regular white onesies for laying around at home. Onesies don't last long- maybe 3-4-5 months so I don't want to get to many, but maybe like 3 or 4- just for fashion fun.. I want my bebe to be smart and fashionable!

But there is such a bebe market out there of things you can get and buy. I haven't even begun to scratch the surface but thus far its been fun planning and beginning to learn. I mean this stuff is all temporary, I mean a baby will only use a crib for like a 2 yrs or something.. I'm not sure really, I have alot to learn. Thank g-ddess for the internet..

So thats it for now. I'm just kinda still tired, but coasting along till first OB appt- then we go from there! If all is well, I will tell you how I am going to tell my sisters. I can't remember if I mentioned my parents reactions but they were very happy and in awe....

:)

but still I am applying to grad school and apps will be out by Nov 15th, then hopefully my letters of rec will be in to the school by Dec 15th and then I wait 3 months-woohoo!! So who knows where life is gonna lead:)

ttylz-- oh and I'm 9 weeks tomorrow!

8 weeks today!

Well I had my final ultrasound w/the ppl who "knocked me up" yesterday. The baby was one day ahead in terms of growth, which was nice! They gave me a little card w/congratulations on it and they gave me a final "goodbye" speech. Now I switch over to an OB who will start the real testing with me. I have my first appt (g-d willing) on November 12th, which by that time I should be 9 1/2 weeks... Thats one of those really long appts but it will start the path of babyness to delivery and beyond! Of course I am taking this preggerness day by day and its still hard for me to believe.. But moment by moment, but I'm 8 weeks :)

Its an interesting journey. Some moments I will be buzzing along and happy as always and the next I will be drop-dead exhausted. I can't keep my head up or even like move. So its a struggle. But in the end of course is worth it. But I think there is also something to pacing yourself and pacing telling ppl. I mean I'm pregger for about 40 weeks. Thats a freakin' long time. So if you make it new and fresh to yourself and others then it lasts longer.

My parents found out last night via the grandparents book I got for them (how to say grandpa/grandma is hebrew, yiddish, etc), and inside the book was a grandparents card w/a picture of the sonogram. Then on the back of the sonogram I wrote "your first picture of your grandchild.' So it was all cutesy and I sent it via FedEx so I tracked it and all...

Next up is to tell the sisters/brother/grandmothers. Since I just told the parents in the 8th week, I might save the mid-8th/early 9th week for them, etc, etc...

Tis it for now!

hmm

So I changed my mind, I don't want to talk abt bebeness again. At least for now. I go from this whole "you shouldn't tell ppl until you are out of the first trimester" to "why not?" so today I am "don't tell ppl." So I am 7 weeks, 4 days, and thanks tooo the handy work of the womyn upstairs, all is good. I will be 12 weeks in 4 weeks, 3 days- thats not to hard for ppl to wait right?

:D

comments

People can post comments now- I fixed it! :)

Itsy bitsy's first sonogram at 7 weeks, 1 day :)

Ultrasound

There is a baby in there!! :) I saw him/her today and everything looks good. They made me wait for 45 minutes which I was not happy about b/c I am not a wait-er. But all is good! I think I am going to start slowly telling people.. I go in for another ultrasound in abt 2 weeks!

:)

7 weeks and tomorrow

So I am 7 weeks preggers today- eek! And tomorrow morning at 8:45 on K street is the big morning...I hope that everything has been growing according to plan and future baby is doing well. I am kinda weirded out that I might be able to hear a heartbeat but I would soooo excited to. It might make me eat better if I was able to hear the little thing growing inside of me. Aren't womyn cool that they can grow babies in their bellies? I don't want to be one of those womyn who constantly talks about her baby or child or whatever, so I think this is a good outlet to say what I need to say and that way I feel that I have shared it.

I have been working aka consulting at this communications firm in Georgetown and I'm not sure how long I will be here for, but I really like it. The only, major problem is that its easily an hr commute from and to home, so thats kinda a bummer. But once my time is up here, I am going to see if they ever need any additional consulting work or whatever I am totally game. Its been a bit weird having such a long commute and having to wake up early when I just want to curl up in bed and sleeepppp. My first trimester has proven to be one in which TONS of sleep are required.

So thats it for now. If everything goes well tomorrow, g-d willing, I am off to find an OB, and then I have my first prenatal appt with the tons of bloodwork. Its weird though I am nervous abt tomorrow, but I am also ready. I am ready to be awed by the power of life. And as time goes on I am def. going to look into the midwife/doula thing... I am hoping perhaps a doula in the delivery room, and I'm not sure whether it will be in a hospital or not.

G-d willing :)

emotions

Wow, my pregger hormones are def. raging. I was at a party last night and I started hitting on this random asian tattoo'd guy and I was trying to get him to take off his shirt so I could see the tattoo under his shirt. Then my-ex was there and he kept high fiving me and at one point he tried to intertwine his hands w/mine and I was like "hmmmmmm, NO." Then there was another random guy who kept trying to talk to me. But these hormones are there, I woke up this morning like exhausted and I have been in bed pretty much all afternoon and have no energy for anything. It's interesting.. Woohooo.. I'm 6 weeks, 3 days :)

on when to tell ppl

As some ppl read this blog they have found out abt babyness... But I'm not quite ready to talk abt it. Its still to soon. I am newly into my 6th week, and I have an ultrasound next Friday. Once I go to that appt and everything looks good then I might be ready to talk abt it :) Its still kinda unreal to me. I mean other than a very large chest, fatigue and hunger I feel kinda normal. So as a result its still like "who's preggers???" "me?!"

So I guess when I see the baby on the ultrasound and I see that something is actually growing then I will want to talk more about it... Its all so out of my hands. All I can do is take care of myself and not stress myself out. Tis it. Also eat very healthy. Take a day off here and there when necessary. The last 2 nights I slept nearly 10 hrs b/c my body just craves the sleep. I specifically don't make plans anymore, and do my best to not have any. I rather just relax at home and watch and feel my growing belly (g-d willing). Its very inward. I kinda like it..

So until that next ultrasound no talkie abt it. Ya???

6 weeks tomorrow

I can't believe I will be 6 weeks preggers tomorrow!! How slow/fast the time is moving. Its like the days go by very slowly but the week seem to melt away. :) Thus far the major stuff I am feeling is- tired and hungry and moody pretty much everyday but otherwise good.. Hope all is well with everyone!

well

I had my first ultrasound today :) And the doc seems to think I'm 5w,3d but I don't know, I think I'm 5w,5d, in the end it doesn't really matter but alas thats what he thinks. So they saw my gestational sac, and it was a little to early to see the fetus and/or hear a heartbeat. But its not etopic (meaning in the fallopian tubes), its in my uterus. So slowly we are crossing some barriers in the road. So I am to go back next Friday; he said I could go back mid-week next week but I have a dental appt on Fri afternn, so why not have this appt in the morning. So these next 9 days are of course crucial in the growth of the baby and hearing a good heartbeat. I think once at that point, and I can hear a heartbeat and actually see something on the ultrasound (right now I see a small black circle "my sac"- but at least its there!!!!), then I will start telling people including but not limited to my parents, close friends and a few very trusted others. Also at that point (next Fri), in my book I will be in my 7th week of preggerness. So I gotta take it easy. Relax, eat right, not stress myself out and do my best to enjoy these next 9 days. :)

nvm- ultrasound for tues

So I upped my ultrasound 1 day.. So I have an appt tomorrow.. I'm curious to what they are going to see so early. I know its to early to hear a heartbeat (most say around 7 wks u should hear that), so I guess they want to make sure that its not anywhere it shouldn't be and that its developing at a normal rate I guess. I presume this will be one of my last or my last appt with their offices, then I go find an OB. Woohoo, then I actually have my first prenatal appt which I heard is the longest/most bloodwork done. So if everything goes well tomorrow (g-d willing), then I will make my appt for somewhere btwn week 7-8ish. But I'm officially 5 weeks, 5 days preggers tomorrow! :)

ultrasound

So I go in for my first ultrasound on Wednesday (well I am going to call tomorrow and make an appointment for Weds). So that should be fun. It will be interesting to see whats going on... So let me tell everyone the food analogy of babyness.. When you are 4 weeks the baby is the size of a poppy seed, in between your 5th-9th week the baby goes from a sesame seed to the size of a large shrimp. Interesting eh??? :) :) :) So right now I predict the baby is the size of a small raisin ;)

its beta-full!

Alright, so my 3rd numbers came-- they are 1603! So I'm rockin and right on target where I should be :) But btwn Monday and Friday my numbers went up like ALOT! 377-1603.. So interesting to watch. Just thought I would report in that all is good :)

3rd beta

Since I get to rant and rave on my preggers blog I shall! I had to go in for a 3rd beta today. Essentially a 2nd time to see if my numbers have doubled. I think its rather unnecessary and causes me personally alot of time, effort and stress. Since I was working this morning, I had to go get my blood drawn at 6:45 this morning, then battle beltway traffic coming back before I even go to work. My numbers were 377, and 777, respectively each time, so my numbers should be in the low 1000 today (g-d willing). But shouldn't the newly pregnant mother be not so stressed and tensed and poked at such an early stage!

On top of that I read this 'how to eat right' baby book and its making me think about every bite I eat. And since I am not the best on dieting, how in the heck am I supposed to monitor every nibble for the next 9 mths and now I feel guilty abt it all. *sigh* I mean perhaps I should pace myself w/the reading of this stuff... I already feel the hormones starting to surge so I just want to be able to relax and feel good and all that jazz..

Okie done :)

2nd beta in!

So my numbers have gone up! My 2nd beta said I am at 777, which means they more than doubled in the last 48 hrs (which they are supposed to). So I go for a 3rd bloodtest/beta on Friday, then 1 wait a week then ultrasound #1 :) I am feeling more confident now, but am still keeping it quiet :)

2nd beta

Well I go in for my 2nd beta today.. Then I agreed to substitute teach, which I had planned a nice relaxing day as my boobs hurt and my stomach is growling, but I'm going to go in for like 4ish hrs.. I will let everyone know how my 2nd beta goes.. eeekkkkkkkkk :) :)

I'm supposed to be at the store...

So I just got my first set of Beta numbers back- 377.. Which is good and exactly where most womyn get their first BETA numbers.. But I have to get another blood test on Weds, Fri and then ultrasounds next week.. Thats just alot of driving to the fertility clinic! But I'm glad to do it.. So now my numbers should double in the next 48ish hours, then double again! Soooo will let you know!!!

:)

News

Well, if you read this blog you will be the first to know that I am newly preggers. I haven't really told anyone in "real life" so keep it btwn me and you!! I just found out about 5 days ago, since that point I have taken 7 Home Pregnancy Tests (HPTs) and they were all very positive. Its been quite a journey. Now that I am official I will be updating my journal more.. This is the part of the journey that I am going to need to share. All I can is that I am newly newly preggers and my body is already changing! My breasts have swollen overnight, my face fuller and I just have this constant pit in my stomach. Tomorrow I go in for a blood test to determine my betas.. Its something about how if the beta numbers double in 2 days then the pregnancy is viable. I have to really change my ways now. I have to eat healthier, I have to not succumb to tons of junk and I have to say "no" to going out late and I need to focus on my health and that of my future child.

So now you all know the good news!! :) I am 4 weeks, 2 days pregnant. Only 8 1/2 mths to go!! :) :) :) :)

With time

It has been a while since I have last contributed to this blog. There is much to say on a topic in which I think daily but haven't acted on since June. In this case its the journey that is counting and the wonderment of what is next. Whenever I think of children, I have a vision of warm family gathering around the home. Cold winter nights making cookies, popcorn and settling in to watch some Disney movie. I see after school sports and violin lessons. I see religious school and summer camp.

I don't see screaming children or needy toddlers or heartache. I try not to think to much abt the future in that regards because there isnt much to do or say or think about. Part of me isnt ready at all and doesn't know what to expect. But part of me is dying for a child in my arms.

There is so much to see and do in this world, and to accomplish it and see the reality of one's vision you must work hard. I want to study latin. I want to travel Europe and Asia. I want to become a better cook. I want to write books and study about the Presidency. I want to get a baby grand piano and just play whenever I feel like it.

I want to get a gigantic house with a gigantic yard in which my family can grow and live there. So all in all, there isnt much to report. Just throwing another log on the fertility fire this month perhaps in hopes of getting a spark.

:)

On to month 4

Well it looks like this month won't be the one for me. But at least I'm trying! I feel this is very much a journey. I learn a little bit more each month and I'm def. expanding my universe. Its such a complex web of emotions. I'm high, I'm lo, I'm sad, I'm understanding. During those two weeks in which you are wondering/waiting you can't move your body much b/c you are afraid that you will 'knock something loose.' So you can't drink caffeine, get massages, bend alot or overall move much. So when you find out that you aren't preggers its like you get your body back...

But I'm sure that if I were preggers that would be more joyous then getting my body back. But I take heart that I am not waiting and I am going ahead with my plans.

So now we wait another 2 weeks then we begin again!

The stat is like it takes 6-9 mths, but I hope it's not that long!!!

It's hard

The whole process is hard. I am surrounded by kids on the weekend, when I babysit, in the grocery store, bascially everywhere. It's very hard to have these "wanting to get preggers" thoughts in my head and then nothing happening.

I haven't tested yet for this month but I have no symptoms and today I felt great. Which is wonderful but generally one feels something- nausea, irritability, a big range of emotions, etc. But I feel nothing.

So its a bummer again. I know alot of womyn take breaks during their TTC but I dont think I could just stop in the middle w/out a really good reason. It's like I am train thats going fast and eventually I will reach my destination.

*sigh*

going insane :)

well here i sit in my 3rd month of trying for said child. I know many womyn have been trying for yrs to get preggers and go to great lengths. but gosh darnit im ready now! i have 100 million sperm coursing through my body.. but they die pretty quickly, so maybe less by now?

*sigh*

in need of a trip

I have a problem. I am a secret travel bug, and I can't live longer than like 3 months without either planning, creating or actually taking a trip or doing something out of the ordinary. So the sensation is slowly creeping up to me and is making its way into my consciousness. But I need to focus on my TTC stuff. But I need a spirtual trip. I need to go somewhere and just raise my level of life and do something amazing.

I get bored wayyy too quickly. I like the rush that comes w/new things, new ppl, new anything really. As long as its somewhat organic. I worked 12 hrs today and I am still craving something bigger than me. I often feel that I could go to some beautiful nature remote area and just decompress for a week or so and listen to like native american and indian music and just be. No phones, no tv, no internet, no bits of luxury other than maybe a music device- but just writing, sleeping and experiencing. I wonder what types of ppl I would meet in that adventure...

Alright I must stop. I want to have a child. Thats my goal. Focus, focus, focus. IT will happen. I just need to recommit myself to the task and think baby baby. It would be a miracle and something bigger than life and I can't wait.

But I am psyched that I will have the opportunity to recommit my energies very soon. I am gonna go amazing yummy healthy grocery shopping- guac, tomatos, onions, blueberries, dates, walnuts, lime, beets, sweet potato.. im excited. So it should be a culinary adventure.

But I do get to go on some trips this summer- I will be back up in NYC and up to Massachusetts again.

:)

symbolism

When life is rich, its full, its brimming to the top and drowning in words, pictures, colors, sounds- I have decided that beyond wanting to carpe diem life, I want to live symbolically. I was driving home yesterday and it was rainy and warm, and further down the road a large bunch of multi-colored balloons slipped out of I am sure was a man's rain soaked hands and the balloons just started floating up. Higher and higher they soared, the man arching his neck backwards to see if he could reclaim his now sky-bound balloons. And I thought it was symbolic and of course made me think.

How can I live more like that? What can I do to cosmically align and create specific memorable moments. Then it made me think about what I can do for potential baby. What specific earth-bound moments can I create for the heavenly thing that will one day be my child. I truly believe in the deep depths of my heart that there is a little boy or a little girl looking down on me from heaven, just waiting to be claimed. And I will be so happy to welcome this child- with all the cries and the screams and the wanting, into my home.

So what can I do to show my child that I am preparing and ready? I was thinking that I would work to create life and stimulate growth. Planting a tree in Israel? Start up on my knitting again? Buy things for the child? I'm not sure, but I plan to sit in that thought and search for the clues to the answers I require. I need something tangible and concrete to show for my valiant efforts and to prepare a warm, and comforting homecoming.

Tis not to be

Well, I guess this *wasn't* the month. But I kinda knew why- so busy and so rushed and just it wasn't cosmically aligned. I need to really sit and just be in the moment and just take each step as it comes. I will at some point be taking a much needed break for the summer and hopefully during this time I can actively try to swim, walk, bake, read and just relax so I can better prepare my body.

It is a bummer- I can't lie. Every month you have certain expectations and they aren't met and it kinda sucks. But you just gotta keep trying. And hardly anyone gets it right the first time they are trying. There is alot of planning and temperature watching and ovulating watching and just stuff. The air, water, tiredness, life just makes everything different.

But I am kinda bummed, but am ok. I realize this will take patience but g-d willing it will happen one day. My odds go up every month!

:)

final home stretch

It's been a bit since I last wrote. Its so hard to sum up life in words. You can describe emotions, feelings, thoughts, sensations, experiences but nothing is like the honest-to-g-ddess being there. I always am in some location (these days to many to count) and something totally symbolic and mind blowing will creep up behind me. I try to capture it in the record pages of my mind but often its lost to the dusty corridors and to-tightly-crammed file cabinets of my life. But what can you do?

I am nearing the end of my 2ww (2 week wait), the time so affectionally known thats coming upon the end of one cycle and if you are pregnant, you begin a very long new one; but if not, you start again fresh in a couple of days.

I have been exhausted and working myself to the bone and I know thats not a very fertility friendly thing but sometimes life just says you must do something and you do it. I will be going camping tomorrow (stretching beyond my personal borders) and we shall see what happens.

This time tomorrow nite, I will be sitting around a campfire, popping popcorn, not eating smores and hopefully seeing the moonlight :)

Its time again

So its time again- the waiting has begun once again to see if life is actively swimming towards a better tomorrow. Life has just been so busy with the leaving of one job, working other jobs and now I am in this one month gig thats physcially demanding.. I work 9 hrs a day- something I am not used to. And not something I necessarily want. But I am really trying to put that all on the backburner and really focus on not working 7 days/wk.

Well this blog isnt abt that.. This is my TTC. So yes I have begun the 2nd round. I don't know how much it will stick, I think my timing was slightly off. But at least I tried. I am not gonna be as obessesive as I was last month abt counting everyday and thinking abt every little thing- esp since I don't have that kinda time at least not until Memorial Day.

I have been ramping up the cooking. Last night I came home drained and exhausted yet I whipped up a batch of yummy chocolate chip cookies. And I fully intend to come home tomorrow after working 10 hrs (2 hrs at shul, 8 babysitting) and try to make rugelach. On top of all this I have to write report comments by Sunday morning for Sunday School, stay later for a teachers reception and I told my Yiddish teacher I would bring in a collection of records. Oh and thats my weekend. And then I start another full work week. I get the ungodly pleasure of working a 54 hr work week-woohoo. But at least its short-term.

I am mostly just trying to keep my head above water at this point. So I will let you know if anything happens- although honestly I don't think this will be the month. Perhaps when I try again next month I will be more relaxed!!

Awaiting a second chance

So in btwn trying for bebe, I get 2 weeks of freedom. 2 weeks to sit in a caffeine-soaked life, 2 weeks to eat bad foods, fried and sweet, and to exercise and dance my way through life. It's like for 2 weeks while you are trying you have to be very careful to not lift heavy things, make sudden movements, have anything w/caffeine, and you sit in this almost suspended animation, just waiting. Its like this state of almost terrible anticipation. Will you? Won't you? Everything is tinged w/possibility. Will tomorrow you be pregnant or will you have another month of trying.

The realities of life are slowly starting to dawn upon me. I have been subbing at a local elementary and high school as of late, and it occurred to me that my child(ren) will always have a different schedule and how will I work to accommodate that. But as soon as these thoughts came into view, I realized my child(ren) are a priority. I mean life is short, jobs are somewhat meaningless, but family should be number 1. Not something that is all consuming that you can't see the forest for the trees, but it is something of great importance to me. I mean I have rearranged my entire life so I could have some down time to TTC. So why when the child(ren) is here would it be any different?

I was in my kitchen earlier today (going through another round of horrible cookies- its my goal to find the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe) and I heard a baby crying through the walls. It was wailing and had to be at least a floor above/below me. Like one of these "i need something elemental and you need to help me NOW" wails. It kinda just made pay attn for a moment. But I constantly have to remind myself that babyness is beautiful yet temporary. Life happens, ppl grow and move through stages as quickly as a night sets.

I ordered my 2nd round of sperm today. My "guy" and his love juice are sitting in a frozen tank somewhere waiting to be picked up in abt a week. I feel no attachment to this guy, I just like him for his stats. I don't at all sit and wonder what he looks like or what he is doing now. Perhaps when I have a child and I see half of him in this child will I know. But really thats it. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Thats it for now, I am sure during my "2 week wait (2ww)" I will be posting more as the anticipation is much more present and in my face during that time. I always hope. I always want, I don't know if I will have the courage to continue month after month. Right now I am okay, this will be my 2nd round. Some of the womyn on the listserv have been going for a long time, but eventually most get pregnant. Another womyn my age it took her 7 times to get preggers. But I hope w/my veggie lifestyle I will be slightly more fertile. But who knows. Who am I to tempt w/fate and time and life?

Alright, tis it. :)

Disappointment

Well I am not where I thought I would be by this time and I'm sad/upset/confused. I guess my first time is a bust... Today was a hard day in terms of leaving my job and finding out that I was not pregnant. I mean of course I think everyone thinks that they will get pregnant on their first go around, but I thought because I was so young that it wouldn't be a problem. But it is, so I try again in a couple of weeks... I am on a new insurance now so I really don't know how that will work out, and/or will I take another path (like doing it solely at home vs in a clinic).

I have been trying to stay calm and monitor my feelings about this. It was interesting to see who was excited for me and who wasnt and who just didnt give a damn. It says alot. And I dont want the support of ppl who clearly dont have it to give it to me. But I guess thats how it goes. This is why I dont tell alot of ppl, b/c I dont want to have to create expectations there for people who would obviously be very happy for me, but its such a personal letdown and hard to deal with really. I dont know. Its slightly maddening.

And I'm now "free" again. I was paid for my vacation days so technically all of May and part of June are paid days, but I gotta figure out whats next. I mean I need something steady that I really enjoy and could see myself in for a bit of a long haul. I mean I know what I want to do for the long haul but I need something now that will fill up that time w/something meaningful and productive.

I think I am gonna use the next few weeks as some personal enrichment time and prepare myself for another cycle. B/c thats what I originally designated this time for- so thats what it will be. I just dont want to get antsy, I want do something while I wait to find out if I am pregnant or not.

more? less?

Well, my symptoms have "waxed and waned." I wasn't feeling anything earlier but then I started too. Its so hard to judge what is real and what is not. I must come across tons of literature, plus emails plus basic knowledge of "pregnancy symptoms." But the truth is every womyn's body is different. So what might happen to mine might not happen to yours. I am just trying to monitor if its something I didn't have before but have now. I have taken a couple of pregnancy tests but unfortunately they are negative. But I am about 2-3 days to early. But regardless I still take them!

And I will take until the answer is definitive. I am apart of some very interesting listservs and all these womyn are going through the same exact thing and many more womyn will after me! But in a way each time it happens its kinda revolutionary. I like that. Each womyn is a pioneer in her own right. She is chopping down the trees, building her house, and setting up what will be the future of her life and that of her children.

So only time will tell, and I hope that there if there is a little baby looking down at me from heaven that he/she knows that they are always welcome and that I love them very much.

for anyone who's counting

So the last 3 days has been tough on me physically. Besides various waves of nausea, other wonderful things are happening to my body! While I will not share this with you- it makes me wonder whats a goin' on. But I will find out soon enough. But really my focus has just been listening and taking care of my body. If I find the need to lay down- I lay down. If I feel the need to eat (which I just had no appetite for days, but now I am ravenous)- I eat!

But thats the latest.. Just enjoying my days and trying to stay cool :)

a baby crying

Since I live in a bit of a large apartment complex with many buildings you can often hear into the windows of other floors and sometimes other buildings. I just had some silence and I heard a baby crying in the distance. Its so interesting how someone else's child is just a noise, a thing, a fleeting look into what that is. But to me a baby means generations, history, future, present and just continuing the long branching of my family tree. I mean thousands of generations came before me and they existed and they did well, they kept themselves healthy and worked hard to live and exist. I know that my ancestors came from Russia/Poland but before that I don't know. I mean eventually perhaps with governments and politics, we will be all over the world? Where will my grandchildren be? my great-grandchildren? my great-great?

I have a record player/radio/tape player/CD Player but it shaped like an old fashion radio... Like the kind from the 1930s-40s-50s... Its amazing how time just passes. And we just drift with time. We can't stop it, we can't make it not happen. Life starts and stops w/out any warning really. I am thankful that I learned that early on and have felt that I have lived my life fully. Of course there are always bolder moves I could make, or larger steps I could do. But really as long as I am working towards some goal and just enjoying life. Then thats all that matters.

I kinda wish that I could have met some of my ancestors.. I had my great-grandma with me until I was in my early 20s so for that I am grateful. But I would have loved to learn about the life of my great-greats.. Especially the womyn. The ppl who share my DNA, who share my tastes.. Where did I get my passion for politics from? Where did I get everything from? I believe its all hidden in there somewhere.

I mean being Jewish especially, so many generations stopped b/c of the harshness of the world. But somehow my family managed to avoid it all. Wouldn't it be cool to track your family tree back hundreds of years like the royals do? I am thinking that I was going to start writing a handwritten journal for my child(ren) that they can pass along when they decide to have children or if they don't. However they choose to live their lifestyle I will support (as long as they marry Jewish).

I really want to connect with the Earth again. I feel the need to plant a tree, or flowers or something. I miss not having grass and being able to run barefoot across a lawn. I don't like the concrete jungle I kinda live in. At some point when I have children I am going to find affordable housing and have a lawn! There is still a bit in the air right now, so no changes as of yet :)

A Sunday

Cute story... yesterday at shul there was a little 3 yr old boy who refused to take off his winter jacket despite the fact that it was in the 70s outside. His face was red, he was sweating, he was grouchy but he absolutely refused to take off the jacket. His father tried, I tried, eventually he started rolling on the floor b/c the heat was exhausting but he wouldn't take off the darn jacket. It was cute, but very interesting- that this little phisher was just set in his ways. They really are their own little person.

This last week has just been full of really cool stuff. We had a big conference at work, I went to services at 6th & I on Friday night with ppl I love, and then we went to some strange bar near the National Mall. So there I sit on Friday night in some bar in some part of the city that I have passed a couple of times down this alleyway. I was like "what the h*** am I doing here?" But regardless it was cool to do/see. Then yesterday I worked, hung out w/an old pal, then childsat. We watching 'Home on the Range' and I love happy endings and they had one!

Life has been very focused as of late, and its been full. Alot of unanswered questions, but am okay with that. I am not spazzing, I am not overwhelmed, I am just ready for the next step. I went massive grocery shopping on Sunday- I went to Whole Foods and Giant and bought all this super yummy, good for me/Earth foods. I bought fresh strawberries, green pepper, carrots, organic cheeses, peanuts, just yummy stuff.

I am so thankful to have an afternoon to chill. I am ready to rest, I have all my netflix vids ready and I get to chill. I am already making plans for next weekend so it will be nice to have this afternn. And this week is full. On Wednesday I get to go to the School Board and have a substitute teacher orientation so I can be put into the system. And I have decided to start the application process for various schools for PhDness. There is no time like the present to start something and exciting....

thoughts

I am a very private person and as a result of having this blog I keep things to myself. When i am ready to share them I will. All I know is that I just got off a conference and saw some really cool political leaders. I sent an email around at work today notifying everyone of my departure and after I sent it there were a couple moments of anger/hesitation/upsetness but really quite soon after that there was a bit of relief that my life will be different-better. I think as you age you realize that the world is open to you and that you continue to gather the skills you need to function and be happy in it.

At some point I realized that my life is short and I want every moment to fulfilling and full of life. When the students and the teachers were killed at Virginia Tech the other day its so sad and pointless. But you hope that they lived there lives happily and they didn't wait for someone else to fill them up.

So many others wait for something or someone to make them whole; but I never really saw that as an option. I must do what I need to in order to say this whole thing was good. So my TTC process continues and when I am ready to share more I will.

:)

the day before

I am listening to Ryan Adam's song 'Amy.' Its a very pretty song. I feel that I should have full disclosure on this blog because if I want this story to be left to others, then I should share my journey. Right now I feel tired, but calm. I know the decisions that I make will be a good one and that they are right for this time of my life. Alot of talk was happening on the Single Mother by Choice listserv today about which womyn were ready to have kids and which were not. I personally don't think any of us can judge that and that every womyn, and every journey is different.

Life changes. I am not ready for changes. But sometimes one must swallow back the tears and just give into it. So I must take a deep breathe, open my eyes and begin down this new path. Everyday has a new dawn.

I had a really good soothing talk with a dear, close friend of mine earlier. We were frank and honest and I just got to say things that had been milling around in my mind for a bit. I will always treasure our friendship and I am glad that we have it. So big changes are coming. I think. I don't know really.

What comes next is just time and waiting for the perfect moment to happen. Like I said before I have completed all the doctors appts, tests, signed all the consent forms and purchased the vials of love. Now its just waiting for the perfect time. I won't say when I am going to begin and I wont give crazy daily updates as the months progress. But I will pass on another great site that was on the listserv.

www.twoweekwait.com

It is a great, fun website that you can wile away the hours away on btwn the 2 weeks that you wait after you inseminate to find out if you are pregnant.

Have a great night.

a day or two later

Well, the road block i thought i was having appears to have lessened.
I have been told that i should share what all the letters mean:
SMC- single mother by choice
TTC- trying to conceive

So when TTC there are so many things that can trip you along the way. Every possible issue has to be thought about- housing, finances, life, job, relationships. But i have to believe that the millions of people who have been having babies for millions of years have been okay and have made it work. So I just dont want to stress the little stuff.

I dislike when people mention things that don't have any answer at this point. I mean I feel that I am dealing with something that can potentially be wicked overwhelming. But I really refuse to let it be so. I am going to deal in every moment and just adjust the situation accordingly. I don't feel panicked or rushed or insane by this, I really want it to be a happy experience.

So as life continues I will work towards my goals and just exist in the moment and linger when I want. I was sitting in Panera Bread tonight having dinner and I was enjoying the light jazz music. It was so nice to sit slowly, relax, linger in the quiet and just have a nice time. I think thats the only way to take things.. to be present in the moment and just accept all good things around you.

There is so much to write about but I am watching American Idol!

Best made plans

Well things are progressing along just fine. Plans are being made, things are in the works. Then bamm... something comes up. I knew it would. It's left me wondering what to do and a bit perplexed about the "next step." With the vials of love just sitting there waiting to be picked up and with everything else going along so smoothly I don't know if I am ready to 'rock the boat.' I mean the only expectations I have are 100% on me. I fully control the entire venture.. I could turn it off, or I could turn it up.

But the question is this new question that arose important enough to me to stop the TTC process or delay it. I don't know.. This week is gonna be a crazy one at work and basically it will be non stop busy until next Wednesday. For a full week. I will try to update.

But I don't want to take this decision lightly. Its a big one. Do I want to wait?? Oy! It's like a mad rushing river down a steep mountain side...

the next morning

So my hormones are not raging but pretty in my face. I haven't been overwhelmed by the procedural stuff of going to all the doctors appts, having the bloodwork or even picking donor sperm. But the sooner I get to start actually trying I can just feel the stress bubbling to the surface. But I am going to work on just breathing and trying to become calm.

This will be a joyous experience- gosh darnit!! I will make sure of it! :) There is so much stuff out there abt how this is a "life altering experience." And yes, I am sure it is- but so is everything if you think about. Any change you make in is life altering. You buy a car? Life altering! You see a movie that rocks- life altering! You go on a vacation- life altering! So therefore I don't intend to overwhelm myself with the overwhelming words of others. This will be a positive, non- stressfull experience and I am going to enjoy joining the ranks of millions of womyn.

I don't know. Life is how you present it to yourself. And I fully intend to make this a happy, candy-filled experience.

So yesterday I ordered the donor sperm. 3 vials. My Donor and his vials o' love are sitting in my local sperm bank waiting to be picked up at my leisure. My potential bebe daddy is on ice- literally! The great thing about having a baby via anonymous donor is that if this guy doesn't work out, I can choose another one. And another one. Till the right guy fits. Whereas if I was with a man I can't be like "sorry honey, you just aren't working out- gotta meet someone new." So thats cool. And this batch wasn't to expensive. This might be the one!

The reason my Blog is "Aloha-like" is because I had amazing connection Hawaii (that was life altering- ha!) and I wanted to give my child a Hawaiian middle name but I spoke to enough ppl who thought I was a little laffy-taffy myself, so in the end I might just call my child this name as a nickname but not give it to them :(. I hate bowing down to societal pressure but I want to start my child off on the best foot possible.

My goal for Monday other than just doing some errands is to buy a beautiful notebook in which I am going to start writing baby notes/messages and tell him/her how much I love them and am looking forward to meeting them. Awww.. I am gonna cry! G-d its so close, I can feel it.

In the beginning

Hello all-
I mainly am starting this blog because I know there are other womyn who want to be single mamas or womyn who want children that can maybe use my stories to start their own TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I know about 6 months ago I read another womyn's blog and that helped me...

This has been a 3 yr journey for me. For the longest time I didn't want children. In fact I was very much against it, but then I went to Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. And as I was stepping onto the actual memorial it hit me- I wanted children. So badly. I can't remember the stats but something like 1100 young men (ages 18, 19, 20) died within 9 minutes of the Japanese attacking their ships. And I couldn't stop to think that these men wanted so much and they just never got that chance. And I didn't want to miss out on anything that life had to offer...

So here I am, 3 yrs and 2 months later, ready to begin my TTC journey. And as a potential single mama. I have saved my pennies, nickels and dimes. I have completed important personal goals and I have done the pre-req bloodwork/physical examinations. And while the pre-req stuff is just as meaningful I am afraid I am past that point now and dont want to write about it.

So welcome, I hope whatever words come are meaningful and can help you on your journey.

Let the fun begin!