Disappointment

Well I am not where I thought I would be by this time and I'm sad/upset/confused. I guess my first time is a bust... Today was a hard day in terms of leaving my job and finding out that I was not pregnant. I mean of course I think everyone thinks that they will get pregnant on their first go around, but I thought because I was so young that it wouldn't be a problem. But it is, so I try again in a couple of weeks... I am on a new insurance now so I really don't know how that will work out, and/or will I take another path (like doing it solely at home vs in a clinic).

I have been trying to stay calm and monitor my feelings about this. It was interesting to see who was excited for me and who wasnt and who just didnt give a damn. It says alot. And I dont want the support of ppl who clearly dont have it to give it to me. But I guess thats how it goes. This is why I dont tell alot of ppl, b/c I dont want to have to create expectations there for people who would obviously be very happy for me, but its such a personal letdown and hard to deal with really. I dont know. Its slightly maddening.

And I'm now "free" again. I was paid for my vacation days so technically all of May and part of June are paid days, but I gotta figure out whats next. I mean I need something steady that I really enjoy and could see myself in for a bit of a long haul. I mean I know what I want to do for the long haul but I need something now that will fill up that time w/something meaningful and productive.

I think I am gonna use the next few weeks as some personal enrichment time and prepare myself for another cycle. B/c thats what I originally designated this time for- so thats what it will be. I just dont want to get antsy, I want do something while I wait to find out if I am pregnant or not.

more? less?

Well, my symptoms have "waxed and waned." I wasn't feeling anything earlier but then I started too. Its so hard to judge what is real and what is not. I must come across tons of literature, plus emails plus basic knowledge of "pregnancy symptoms." But the truth is every womyn's body is different. So what might happen to mine might not happen to yours. I am just trying to monitor if its something I didn't have before but have now. I have taken a couple of pregnancy tests but unfortunately they are negative. But I am about 2-3 days to early. But regardless I still take them!

And I will take until the answer is definitive. I am apart of some very interesting listservs and all these womyn are going through the same exact thing and many more womyn will after me! But in a way each time it happens its kinda revolutionary. I like that. Each womyn is a pioneer in her own right. She is chopping down the trees, building her house, and setting up what will be the future of her life and that of her children.

So only time will tell, and I hope that there if there is a little baby looking down at me from heaven that he/she knows that they are always welcome and that I love them very much.

for anyone who's counting

So the last 3 days has been tough on me physically. Besides various waves of nausea, other wonderful things are happening to my body! While I will not share this with you- it makes me wonder whats a goin' on. But I will find out soon enough. But really my focus has just been listening and taking care of my body. If I find the need to lay down- I lay down. If I feel the need to eat (which I just had no appetite for days, but now I am ravenous)- I eat!

But thats the latest.. Just enjoying my days and trying to stay cool :)

a baby crying

Since I live in a bit of a large apartment complex with many buildings you can often hear into the windows of other floors and sometimes other buildings. I just had some silence and I heard a baby crying in the distance. Its so interesting how someone else's child is just a noise, a thing, a fleeting look into what that is. But to me a baby means generations, history, future, present and just continuing the long branching of my family tree. I mean thousands of generations came before me and they existed and they did well, they kept themselves healthy and worked hard to live and exist. I know that my ancestors came from Russia/Poland but before that I don't know. I mean eventually perhaps with governments and politics, we will be all over the world? Where will my grandchildren be? my great-grandchildren? my great-great?

I have a record player/radio/tape player/CD Player but it shaped like an old fashion radio... Like the kind from the 1930s-40s-50s... Its amazing how time just passes. And we just drift with time. We can't stop it, we can't make it not happen. Life starts and stops w/out any warning really. I am thankful that I learned that early on and have felt that I have lived my life fully. Of course there are always bolder moves I could make, or larger steps I could do. But really as long as I am working towards some goal and just enjoying life. Then thats all that matters.

I kinda wish that I could have met some of my ancestors.. I had my great-grandma with me until I was in my early 20s so for that I am grateful. But I would have loved to learn about the life of my great-greats.. Especially the womyn. The ppl who share my DNA, who share my tastes.. Where did I get my passion for politics from? Where did I get everything from? I believe its all hidden in there somewhere.

I mean being Jewish especially, so many generations stopped b/c of the harshness of the world. But somehow my family managed to avoid it all. Wouldn't it be cool to track your family tree back hundreds of years like the royals do? I am thinking that I was going to start writing a handwritten journal for my child(ren) that they can pass along when they decide to have children or if they don't. However they choose to live their lifestyle I will support (as long as they marry Jewish).

I really want to connect with the Earth again. I feel the need to plant a tree, or flowers or something. I miss not having grass and being able to run barefoot across a lawn. I don't like the concrete jungle I kinda live in. At some point when I have children I am going to find affordable housing and have a lawn! There is still a bit in the air right now, so no changes as of yet :)

A Sunday

Cute story... yesterday at shul there was a little 3 yr old boy who refused to take off his winter jacket despite the fact that it was in the 70s outside. His face was red, he was sweating, he was grouchy but he absolutely refused to take off the jacket. His father tried, I tried, eventually he started rolling on the floor b/c the heat was exhausting but he wouldn't take off the darn jacket. It was cute, but very interesting- that this little phisher was just set in his ways. They really are their own little person.

This last week has just been full of really cool stuff. We had a big conference at work, I went to services at 6th & I on Friday night with ppl I love, and then we went to some strange bar near the National Mall. So there I sit on Friday night in some bar in some part of the city that I have passed a couple of times down this alleyway. I was like "what the h*** am I doing here?" But regardless it was cool to do/see. Then yesterday I worked, hung out w/an old pal, then childsat. We watching 'Home on the Range' and I love happy endings and they had one!

Life has been very focused as of late, and its been full. Alot of unanswered questions, but am okay with that. I am not spazzing, I am not overwhelmed, I am just ready for the next step. I went massive grocery shopping on Sunday- I went to Whole Foods and Giant and bought all this super yummy, good for me/Earth foods. I bought fresh strawberries, green pepper, carrots, organic cheeses, peanuts, just yummy stuff.

I am so thankful to have an afternoon to chill. I am ready to rest, I have all my netflix vids ready and I get to chill. I am already making plans for next weekend so it will be nice to have this afternn. And this week is full. On Wednesday I get to go to the School Board and have a substitute teacher orientation so I can be put into the system. And I have decided to start the application process for various schools for PhDness. There is no time like the present to start something and exciting....

thoughts

I am a very private person and as a result of having this blog I keep things to myself. When i am ready to share them I will. All I know is that I just got off a conference and saw some really cool political leaders. I sent an email around at work today notifying everyone of my departure and after I sent it there were a couple moments of anger/hesitation/upsetness but really quite soon after that there was a bit of relief that my life will be different-better. I think as you age you realize that the world is open to you and that you continue to gather the skills you need to function and be happy in it.

At some point I realized that my life is short and I want every moment to fulfilling and full of life. When the students and the teachers were killed at Virginia Tech the other day its so sad and pointless. But you hope that they lived there lives happily and they didn't wait for someone else to fill them up.

So many others wait for something or someone to make them whole; but I never really saw that as an option. I must do what I need to in order to say this whole thing was good. So my TTC process continues and when I am ready to share more I will.

:)

the day before

I am listening to Ryan Adam's song 'Amy.' Its a very pretty song. I feel that I should have full disclosure on this blog because if I want this story to be left to others, then I should share my journey. Right now I feel tired, but calm. I know the decisions that I make will be a good one and that they are right for this time of my life. Alot of talk was happening on the Single Mother by Choice listserv today about which womyn were ready to have kids and which were not. I personally don't think any of us can judge that and that every womyn, and every journey is different.

Life changes. I am not ready for changes. But sometimes one must swallow back the tears and just give into it. So I must take a deep breathe, open my eyes and begin down this new path. Everyday has a new dawn.

I had a really good soothing talk with a dear, close friend of mine earlier. We were frank and honest and I just got to say things that had been milling around in my mind for a bit. I will always treasure our friendship and I am glad that we have it. So big changes are coming. I think. I don't know really.

What comes next is just time and waiting for the perfect moment to happen. Like I said before I have completed all the doctors appts, tests, signed all the consent forms and purchased the vials of love. Now its just waiting for the perfect time. I won't say when I am going to begin and I wont give crazy daily updates as the months progress. But I will pass on another great site that was on the listserv.

www.twoweekwait.com

It is a great, fun website that you can wile away the hours away on btwn the 2 weeks that you wait after you inseminate to find out if you are pregnant.

Have a great night.

a day or two later

Well, the road block i thought i was having appears to have lessened.
I have been told that i should share what all the letters mean:
SMC- single mother by choice
TTC- trying to conceive

So when TTC there are so many things that can trip you along the way. Every possible issue has to be thought about- housing, finances, life, job, relationships. But i have to believe that the millions of people who have been having babies for millions of years have been okay and have made it work. So I just dont want to stress the little stuff.

I dislike when people mention things that don't have any answer at this point. I mean I feel that I am dealing with something that can potentially be wicked overwhelming. But I really refuse to let it be so. I am going to deal in every moment and just adjust the situation accordingly. I don't feel panicked or rushed or insane by this, I really want it to be a happy experience.

So as life continues I will work towards my goals and just exist in the moment and linger when I want. I was sitting in Panera Bread tonight having dinner and I was enjoying the light jazz music. It was so nice to sit slowly, relax, linger in the quiet and just have a nice time. I think thats the only way to take things.. to be present in the moment and just accept all good things around you.

There is so much to write about but I am watching American Idol!

Best made plans

Well things are progressing along just fine. Plans are being made, things are in the works. Then bamm... something comes up. I knew it would. It's left me wondering what to do and a bit perplexed about the "next step." With the vials of love just sitting there waiting to be picked up and with everything else going along so smoothly I don't know if I am ready to 'rock the boat.' I mean the only expectations I have are 100% on me. I fully control the entire venture.. I could turn it off, or I could turn it up.

But the question is this new question that arose important enough to me to stop the TTC process or delay it. I don't know.. This week is gonna be a crazy one at work and basically it will be non stop busy until next Wednesday. For a full week. I will try to update.

But I don't want to take this decision lightly. Its a big one. Do I want to wait?? Oy! It's like a mad rushing river down a steep mountain side...

the next morning

So my hormones are not raging but pretty in my face. I haven't been overwhelmed by the procedural stuff of going to all the doctors appts, having the bloodwork or even picking donor sperm. But the sooner I get to start actually trying I can just feel the stress bubbling to the surface. But I am going to work on just breathing and trying to become calm.

This will be a joyous experience- gosh darnit!! I will make sure of it! :) There is so much stuff out there abt how this is a "life altering experience." And yes, I am sure it is- but so is everything if you think about. Any change you make in is life altering. You buy a car? Life altering! You see a movie that rocks- life altering! You go on a vacation- life altering! So therefore I don't intend to overwhelm myself with the overwhelming words of others. This will be a positive, non- stressfull experience and I am going to enjoy joining the ranks of millions of womyn.

I don't know. Life is how you present it to yourself. And I fully intend to make this a happy, candy-filled experience.

So yesterday I ordered the donor sperm. 3 vials. My Donor and his vials o' love are sitting in my local sperm bank waiting to be picked up at my leisure. My potential bebe daddy is on ice- literally! The great thing about having a baby via anonymous donor is that if this guy doesn't work out, I can choose another one. And another one. Till the right guy fits. Whereas if I was with a man I can't be like "sorry honey, you just aren't working out- gotta meet someone new." So thats cool. And this batch wasn't to expensive. This might be the one!

The reason my Blog is "Aloha-like" is because I had amazing connection Hawaii (that was life altering- ha!) and I wanted to give my child a Hawaiian middle name but I spoke to enough ppl who thought I was a little laffy-taffy myself, so in the end I might just call my child this name as a nickname but not give it to them :(. I hate bowing down to societal pressure but I want to start my child off on the best foot possible.

My goal for Monday other than just doing some errands is to buy a beautiful notebook in which I am going to start writing baby notes/messages and tell him/her how much I love them and am looking forward to meeting them. Awww.. I am gonna cry! G-d its so close, I can feel it.

In the beginning

Hello all-
I mainly am starting this blog because I know there are other womyn who want to be single mamas or womyn who want children that can maybe use my stories to start their own TTC (trying to conceive) journey. I know about 6 months ago I read another womyn's blog and that helped me...

This has been a 3 yr journey for me. For the longest time I didn't want children. In fact I was very much against it, but then I went to Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. And as I was stepping onto the actual memorial it hit me- I wanted children. So badly. I can't remember the stats but something like 1100 young men (ages 18, 19, 20) died within 9 minutes of the Japanese attacking their ships. And I couldn't stop to think that these men wanted so much and they just never got that chance. And I didn't want to miss out on anything that life had to offer...

So here I am, 3 yrs and 2 months later, ready to begin my TTC journey. And as a potential single mama. I have saved my pennies, nickels and dimes. I have completed important personal goals and I have done the pre-req bloodwork/physical examinations. And while the pre-req stuff is just as meaningful I am afraid I am past that point now and dont want to write about it.

So welcome, I hope whatever words come are meaningful and can help you on your journey.

Let the fun begin!