Disappointment

Well I am not where I thought I would be by this time and I'm sad/upset/confused. I guess my first time is a bust... Today was a hard day in terms of leaving my job and finding out that I was not pregnant. I mean of course I think everyone thinks that they will get pregnant on their first go around, but I thought because I was so young that it wouldn't be a problem. But it is, so I try again in a couple of weeks... I am on a new insurance now so I really don't know how that will work out, and/or will I take another path (like doing it solely at home vs in a clinic).

I have been trying to stay calm and monitor my feelings about this. It was interesting to see who was excited for me and who wasnt and who just didnt give a damn. It says alot. And I dont want the support of ppl who clearly dont have it to give it to me. But I guess thats how it goes. This is why I dont tell alot of ppl, b/c I dont want to have to create expectations there for people who would obviously be very happy for me, but its such a personal letdown and hard to deal with really. I dont know. Its slightly maddening.

And I'm now "free" again. I was paid for my vacation days so technically all of May and part of June are paid days, but I gotta figure out whats next. I mean I need something steady that I really enjoy and could see myself in for a bit of a long haul. I mean I know what I want to do for the long haul but I need something now that will fill up that time w/something meaningful and productive.

I think I am gonna use the next few weeks as some personal enrichment time and prepare myself for another cycle. B/c thats what I originally designated this time for- so thats what it will be. I just dont want to get antsy, I want do something while I wait to find out if I am pregnant or not.