Well, I guess this *wasn't* the month. But I kinda knew why- so busy and so rushed and just it wasn't cosmically aligned. I need to really sit and just be in the moment and just take each step as it comes. I will at some point be taking a much needed break for the summer and hopefully during this time I can actively try to swim, walk, bake, read and just relax so I can better prepare my body.
It is a bummer- I can't lie. Every month you have certain expectations and they aren't met and it kinda sucks. But you just gotta keep trying. And hardly anyone gets it right the first time they are trying. There is alot of planning and temperature watching and ovulating watching and just stuff. The air, water, tiredness, life just makes everything different.
But I am kinda bummed, but am ok. I realize this will take patience but g-d willing it will happen one day. My odds go up every month!
:)
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
final home stretch
It's been a bit since I last wrote. Its so hard to sum up life in words. You can describe emotions, feelings, thoughts, sensations, experiences but nothing is like the honest-to-g-ddess being there. I always am in some location (these days to many to count) and something totally symbolic and mind blowing will creep up behind me. I try to capture it in the record pages of my mind but often its lost to the dusty corridors and to-tightly-crammed file cabinets of my life. But what can you do?
I am nearing the end of my 2ww (2 week wait), the time so affectionally known thats coming upon the end of one cycle and if you are pregnant, you begin a very long new one; but if not, you start again fresh in a couple of days.
I have been exhausted and working myself to the bone and I know thats not a very fertility friendly thing but sometimes life just says you must do something and you do it. I will be going camping tomorrow (stretching beyond my personal borders) and we shall see what happens.
This time tomorrow nite, I will be sitting around a campfire, popping popcorn, not eating smores and hopefully seeing the moonlight :)
I am nearing the end of my 2ww (2 week wait), the time so affectionally known thats coming upon the end of one cycle and if you are pregnant, you begin a very long new one; but if not, you start again fresh in a couple of days.
I have been exhausted and working myself to the bone and I know thats not a very fertility friendly thing but sometimes life just says you must do something and you do it. I will be going camping tomorrow (stretching beyond my personal borders) and we shall see what happens.
This time tomorrow nite, I will be sitting around a campfire, popping popcorn, not eating smores and hopefully seeing the moonlight :)
Friday, May 18, 2007
Its time again
So its time again- the waiting has begun once again to see if life is actively swimming towards a better tomorrow. Life has just been so busy with the leaving of one job, working other jobs and now I am in this one month gig thats physcially demanding.. I work 9 hrs a day- something I am not used to. And not something I necessarily want. But I am really trying to put that all on the backburner and really focus on not working 7 days/wk.
Well this blog isnt abt that.. This is my TTC. So yes I have begun the 2nd round. I don't know how much it will stick, I think my timing was slightly off. But at least I tried. I am not gonna be as obessesive as I was last month abt counting everyday and thinking abt every little thing- esp since I don't have that kinda time at least not until Memorial Day.
I have been ramping up the cooking. Last night I came home drained and exhausted yet I whipped up a batch of yummy chocolate chip cookies. And I fully intend to come home tomorrow after working 10 hrs (2 hrs at shul, 8 babysitting) and try to make rugelach. On top of all this I have to write report comments by Sunday morning for Sunday School, stay later for a teachers reception and I told my Yiddish teacher I would bring in a collection of records. Oh and thats my weekend. And then I start another full work week. I get the ungodly pleasure of working a 54 hr work week-woohoo. But at least its short-term.
I am mostly just trying to keep my head above water at this point. So I will let you know if anything happens- although honestly I don't think this will be the month. Perhaps when I try again next month I will be more relaxed!!
Well this blog isnt abt that.. This is my TTC. So yes I have begun the 2nd round. I don't know how much it will stick, I think my timing was slightly off. But at least I tried. I am not gonna be as obessesive as I was last month abt counting everyday and thinking abt every little thing- esp since I don't have that kinda time at least not until Memorial Day.
I have been ramping up the cooking. Last night I came home drained and exhausted yet I whipped up a batch of yummy chocolate chip cookies. And I fully intend to come home tomorrow after working 10 hrs (2 hrs at shul, 8 babysitting) and try to make rugelach. On top of all this I have to write report comments by Sunday morning for Sunday School, stay later for a teachers reception and I told my Yiddish teacher I would bring in a collection of records. Oh and thats my weekend. And then I start another full work week. I get the ungodly pleasure of working a 54 hr work week-woohoo. But at least its short-term.
I am mostly just trying to keep my head above water at this point. So I will let you know if anything happens- although honestly I don't think this will be the month. Perhaps when I try again next month I will be more relaxed!!
Monday, May 7, 2007
Awaiting a second chance
So in btwn trying for bebe, I get 2 weeks of freedom. 2 weeks to sit in a caffeine-soaked life, 2 weeks to eat bad foods, fried and sweet, and to exercise and dance my way through life. It's like for 2 weeks while you are trying you have to be very careful to not lift heavy things, make sudden movements, have anything w/caffeine, and you sit in this almost suspended animation, just waiting. Its like this state of almost terrible anticipation. Will you? Won't you? Everything is tinged w/possibility. Will tomorrow you be pregnant or will you have another month of trying.
The realities of life are slowly starting to dawn upon me. I have been subbing at a local elementary and high school as of late, and it occurred to me that my child(ren) will always have a different schedule and how will I work to accommodate that. But as soon as these thoughts came into view, I realized my child(ren) are a priority. I mean life is short, jobs are somewhat meaningless, but family should be number 1. Not something that is all consuming that you can't see the forest for the trees, but it is something of great importance to me. I mean I have rearranged my entire life so I could have some down time to TTC. So why when the child(ren) is here would it be any different?
I was in my kitchen earlier today (going through another round of horrible cookies- its my goal to find the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe) and I heard a baby crying through the walls. It was wailing and had to be at least a floor above/below me. Like one of these "i need something elemental and you need to help me NOW" wails. It kinda just made pay attn for a moment. But I constantly have to remind myself that babyness is beautiful yet temporary. Life happens, ppl grow and move through stages as quickly as a night sets.
I ordered my 2nd round of sperm today. My "guy" and his love juice are sitting in a frozen tank somewhere waiting to be picked up in abt a week. I feel no attachment to this guy, I just like him for his stats. I don't at all sit and wonder what he looks like or what he is doing now. Perhaps when I have a child and I see half of him in this child will I know. But really thats it. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
Thats it for now, I am sure during my "2 week wait (2ww)" I will be posting more as the anticipation is much more present and in my face during that time. I always hope. I always want, I don't know if I will have the courage to continue month after month. Right now I am okay, this will be my 2nd round. Some of the womyn on the listserv have been going for a long time, but eventually most get pregnant. Another womyn my age it took her 7 times to get preggers. But I hope w/my veggie lifestyle I will be slightly more fertile. But who knows. Who am I to tempt w/fate and time and life?
Alright, tis it. :)
The realities of life are slowly starting to dawn upon me. I have been subbing at a local elementary and high school as of late, and it occurred to me that my child(ren) will always have a different schedule and how will I work to accommodate that. But as soon as these thoughts came into view, I realized my child(ren) are a priority. I mean life is short, jobs are somewhat meaningless, but family should be number 1. Not something that is all consuming that you can't see the forest for the trees, but it is something of great importance to me. I mean I have rearranged my entire life so I could have some down time to TTC. So why when the child(ren) is here would it be any different?
I was in my kitchen earlier today (going through another round of horrible cookies- its my goal to find the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe) and I heard a baby crying through the walls. It was wailing and had to be at least a floor above/below me. Like one of these "i need something elemental and you need to help me NOW" wails. It kinda just made pay attn for a moment. But I constantly have to remind myself that babyness is beautiful yet temporary. Life happens, ppl grow and move through stages as quickly as a night sets.
I ordered my 2nd round of sperm today. My "guy" and his love juice are sitting in a frozen tank somewhere waiting to be picked up in abt a week. I feel no attachment to this guy, I just like him for his stats. I don't at all sit and wonder what he looks like or what he is doing now. Perhaps when I have a child and I see half of him in this child will I know. But really thats it. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
Thats it for now, I am sure during my "2 week wait (2ww)" I will be posting more as the anticipation is much more present and in my face during that time. I always hope. I always want, I don't know if I will have the courage to continue month after month. Right now I am okay, this will be my 2nd round. Some of the womyn on the listserv have been going for a long time, but eventually most get pregnant. Another womyn my age it took her 7 times to get preggers. But I hope w/my veggie lifestyle I will be slightly more fertile. But who knows. Who am I to tempt w/fate and time and life?
Alright, tis it. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)