Awaiting a second chance

So in btwn trying for bebe, I get 2 weeks of freedom. 2 weeks to sit in a caffeine-soaked life, 2 weeks to eat bad foods, fried and sweet, and to exercise and dance my way through life. It's like for 2 weeks while you are trying you have to be very careful to not lift heavy things, make sudden movements, have anything w/caffeine, and you sit in this almost suspended animation, just waiting. Its like this state of almost terrible anticipation. Will you? Won't you? Everything is tinged w/possibility. Will tomorrow you be pregnant or will you have another month of trying.

The realities of life are slowly starting to dawn upon me. I have been subbing at a local elementary and high school as of late, and it occurred to me that my child(ren) will always have a different schedule and how will I work to accommodate that. But as soon as these thoughts came into view, I realized my child(ren) are a priority. I mean life is short, jobs are somewhat meaningless, but family should be number 1. Not something that is all consuming that you can't see the forest for the trees, but it is something of great importance to me. I mean I have rearranged my entire life so I could have some down time to TTC. So why when the child(ren) is here would it be any different?

I was in my kitchen earlier today (going through another round of horrible cookies- its my goal to find the perfect chocolate chip cookie recipe) and I heard a baby crying through the walls. It was wailing and had to be at least a floor above/below me. Like one of these "i need something elemental and you need to help me NOW" wails. It kinda just made pay attn for a moment. But I constantly have to remind myself that babyness is beautiful yet temporary. Life happens, ppl grow and move through stages as quickly as a night sets.

I ordered my 2nd round of sperm today. My "guy" and his love juice are sitting in a frozen tank somewhere waiting to be picked up in abt a week. I feel no attachment to this guy, I just like him for his stats. I don't at all sit and wonder what he looks like or what he is doing now. Perhaps when I have a child and I see half of him in this child will I know. But really thats it. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Thats it for now, I am sure during my "2 week wait (2ww)" I will be posting more as the anticipation is much more present and in my face during that time. I always hope. I always want, I don't know if I will have the courage to continue month after month. Right now I am okay, this will be my 2nd round. Some of the womyn on the listserv have been going for a long time, but eventually most get pregnant. Another womyn my age it took her 7 times to get preggers. But I hope w/my veggie lifestyle I will be slightly more fertile. But who knows. Who am I to tempt w/fate and time and life?

Alright, tis it. :)