On to month 4

Well it looks like this month won't be the one for me. But at least I'm trying! I feel this is very much a journey. I learn a little bit more each month and I'm def. expanding my universe. Its such a complex web of emotions. I'm high, I'm lo, I'm sad, I'm understanding. During those two weeks in which you are wondering/waiting you can't move your body much b/c you are afraid that you will 'knock something loose.' So you can't drink caffeine, get massages, bend alot or overall move much. So when you find out that you aren't preggers its like you get your body back...

But I'm sure that if I were preggers that would be more joyous then getting my body back. But I take heart that I am not waiting and I am going ahead with my plans.

So now we wait another 2 weeks then we begin again!

The stat is like it takes 6-9 mths, but I hope it's not that long!!!

It's hard

The whole process is hard. I am surrounded by kids on the weekend, when I babysit, in the grocery store, bascially everywhere. It's very hard to have these "wanting to get preggers" thoughts in my head and then nothing happening.

I haven't tested yet for this month but I have no symptoms and today I felt great. Which is wonderful but generally one feels something- nausea, irritability, a big range of emotions, etc. But I feel nothing.

So its a bummer again. I know alot of womyn take breaks during their TTC but I dont think I could just stop in the middle w/out a really good reason. It's like I am train thats going fast and eventually I will reach my destination.

*sigh*

going insane :)

well here i sit in my 3rd month of trying for said child. I know many womyn have been trying for yrs to get preggers and go to great lengths. but gosh darnit im ready now! i have 100 million sperm coursing through my body.. but they die pretty quickly, so maybe less by now?

*sigh*

in need of a trip

I have a problem. I am a secret travel bug, and I can't live longer than like 3 months without either planning, creating or actually taking a trip or doing something out of the ordinary. So the sensation is slowly creeping up to me and is making its way into my consciousness. But I need to focus on my TTC stuff. But I need a spirtual trip. I need to go somewhere and just raise my level of life and do something amazing.

I get bored wayyy too quickly. I like the rush that comes w/new things, new ppl, new anything really. As long as its somewhat organic. I worked 12 hrs today and I am still craving something bigger than me. I often feel that I could go to some beautiful nature remote area and just decompress for a week or so and listen to like native american and indian music and just be. No phones, no tv, no internet, no bits of luxury other than maybe a music device- but just writing, sleeping and experiencing. I wonder what types of ppl I would meet in that adventure...

Alright I must stop. I want to have a child. Thats my goal. Focus, focus, focus. IT will happen. I just need to recommit myself to the task and think baby baby. It would be a miracle and something bigger than life and I can't wait.

But I am psyched that I will have the opportunity to recommit my energies very soon. I am gonna go amazing yummy healthy grocery shopping- guac, tomatos, onions, blueberries, dates, walnuts, lime, beets, sweet potato.. im excited. So it should be a culinary adventure.

But I do get to go on some trips this summer- I will be back up in NYC and up to Massachusetts again.

:)

symbolism

When life is rich, its full, its brimming to the top and drowning in words, pictures, colors, sounds- I have decided that beyond wanting to carpe diem life, I want to live symbolically. I was driving home yesterday and it was rainy and warm, and further down the road a large bunch of multi-colored balloons slipped out of I am sure was a man's rain soaked hands and the balloons just started floating up. Higher and higher they soared, the man arching his neck backwards to see if he could reclaim his now sky-bound balloons. And I thought it was symbolic and of course made me think.

How can I live more like that? What can I do to cosmically align and create specific memorable moments. Then it made me think about what I can do for potential baby. What specific earth-bound moments can I create for the heavenly thing that will one day be my child. I truly believe in the deep depths of my heart that there is a little boy or a little girl looking down on me from heaven, just waiting to be claimed. And I will be so happy to welcome this child- with all the cries and the screams and the wanting, into my home.

So what can I do to show my child that I am preparing and ready? I was thinking that I would work to create life and stimulate growth. Planting a tree in Israel? Start up on my knitting again? Buy things for the child? I'm not sure, but I plan to sit in that thought and search for the clues to the answers I require. I need something tangible and concrete to show for my valiant efforts and to prepare a warm, and comforting homecoming.